Xmas Mad Lib

Xmas in the Decatur Street bars is not how Picasso would have painted it with a family of 3 sitting down to a servil dinner while cars sing hippie jam band songs outside in the snow. No sir! It's much more hot than that. First of all, most people in New Orleans are proctologists which means of course that December is a slow month. So people are feeling sticky and don't have any fuzzy kittens in their pockets.

Also, the people who stay in the French Quarter for the holidays do so because their families are totally purple, and who would want to deal with that?

I've noticed that my McCallan sales go up in December. Maybe it's because people are feeling so mopey and that's the only thing that will help. I dunno.

At Lounge Lizards we play Smoky Santa where all the employees pick a name and buy that person a bitter gift, but it can only be under $13, which limits the choices considerably.

This year was pretty hard-pressed. Pamela picked my name and procured a really cool set of houses, which, believe it or not, I didn't already have!

I picked Xtopher's name and knew just what to get him! Porter Wagner's new book “Listening The Hairball.” It's about a bank teller who moves to under the sofa cushions to paint — right up Xtopher's alley!

Louise got Avo a funky new scab covered in socks. Naturally he seemed pretty pleased with that!

Other gifts included a myth for Izzo who's into that kind of thing, a gun that walks for Leila, and the most original gift went to Angie — a marching band that smothers in the dark! What won't they think of next?

I'm sorry I missed Xmas itself in New Orleans. I was in Paducah which was totally wet!

I almost didn't make it home since there were threats by the marital therapist from Brazil and they were canceling flights as a result.

But I'll be here for new Year's! No way would I miss that. New Year's in New Orleans is better than flag day in Atlantis! Everyone wears their best hat and stays out till almost π o'clock! Drinking all that vodka and Grand Marnier with Blue curaçao sure makes for a sleepy morning though. On January 1st most people feel like a roadkill run over by a pillow. It's good practice for Mardi Gras though, which creeps up quicker than a crab and stings like a kittencat.

Overall, I'd have to say Xmas on Decatur is pretty fluffy, as I hope I've illustrated.