November 15th, 2005

I Will Not Defame New Orleans.

George Carlin Is God.

I'm going to transcribe this 'poem' from his recent HBO special. It's going to take a while, because it's long, and there will be lots of TiVo rewinding, yet he still manages to pound it out — flawlessly — in about a minute and a half.
I'm a modern man. I'm a modern man. I'm a modern man.
A man for the millennium.
Digital and smoke-free.
A diversified and multi-cultural modern deconstructionist,
Politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.
I've been uplinked and downloaded.
I've been inputted and out-sourced.
I know the upside of down-sizing.
I know the down side of upgrading.
I'm a high-tech low-life.
A cutting edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multi-tasker,
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
I'm New Wave, but I'm Old Skool.
My inner child is outward-bound.
I'm a hot wired, heat seaking, warm hearted cool customer,
Voice-activated and bio-degradable.
I interface with my database, and my database is in cyberspace,
So I'm interactive. I'm hyperactive.
From time to time I'm radio-active.
Behind the eight ball.
Ahead of the curve.
Riding the wave.
Dodging the bullet.
Pushing the envelope.
I'm on point, on task, on message and off drugs.
I got no need for coke and speed.
I got no urge to binge and purge.
I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.
A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb.
A top-gun bottom-feeder.
I wear power ties, tell power lies. I take power naps. I run victory laps.
I'm a totally on-going, big foot, slam dunk rain-maker with a pro-active out-reach.
A raging workaholic.
A working rageaholic.
Out of rehab and in denile.
A got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda.
You can't shut me up. You can't dumb me down.
Cause I'm tireless and I'm wireless.
I'm an alpha-male on beta blockers.
I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever.
Laid back but fashion-forward.
Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance.
Super size, long-lasting, high definition, fast acting, oven ready and built to last.
I'm a hands-on, footloose, kneejerk headcase.
Prematurally post-traumatic.
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.
But I'm feeling. I'm caring. I'm healing. I'm sharing.
A supportive, bonding, nurturing, primary care giver.
My output is down, but my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bonds.
My revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail. I eat junk food. I buy junk bonds. I watch trash sports.
I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex. I like tough love.
I use the f-word in my email,
And the software on my hard drive is hard-core; no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini mall.
I bought a minivan at a megastore.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I'm toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes.
A fully-equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle.
I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock.
Rough, tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow. I go with the flow.
I ride with the tide. I got glide in my stride.
Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin', jivin' and groovin', wailin' and winnin'.
I don't snooze, so I don't lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty.
And lunch time is crunch time.
I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt.
And I'm hangin' tough.
Over and out.