June 21st, 2005

I Will Not Defame New Orleans.


My friend Winifred and I used to write biographies for Greeks gods and goddesses we thought should have existed. Here is my initial introduction of "Expeditee" and W's further biographical amendments:
It is said that this mere human was promoted to a demi-goddesshead when Zeus was so awed by her abilities, speed, technique and general wherewithal.

As a human, Expeditee worked with Processeclese in a factory counting lentils one by one, day in day out, round the clock. Processeclese was called away by the gods to frolic in a lake for a while (the gods work in mysterious and perfectly absurd ways, it is reported), and Expeditee took up the slack and counted not twice, not thrice, but QUICE the amount of lentils she usually counted. As a result, the factory became the largest, most prosperous company of professional lentil counters in all of Greece. (And that's saying something!)

Mercury was sent down by Hera, ever the nosey wench, to see what all the ruckus was about. It seems Hera could not get to sleep but for the frenzied click-click-clicking of lentils, incessantly through every minute of the day and night. "Merc, sweetie-darling!" quod she, "go find out what that infernal noise is, won't you? Hmm, sweetie?"

Upon wingèd Nike's flew he to Crete in the wee hours of the morn and found Expeditee busily hunched over her multitudinous satchels and counting in a nervous whisper to herself, "Four-million-eight-hundred-thousand-six-hundred-and-fifty-SEVEN! Four-million-eight-hundred-thousand-six-hundred-and-fifty-EIGHT! Four-million-eight-hundred-thousand-six-hundred-and-fifty-NINE!…"

"What a brazen lentil counter!" bethought Mercury to himself, "like no other counter of lentils!" and quickly reported back to Hera, who in turn was moved to inform Zeus. "Hmmm!" thought Zeus, seizing upon the marketability of such a treasure as Expeditee, "Cheap, effective laborer! And aren't they hard to come by! Bring her up to Olympus! Give her a title and a fresh robe! And some rouge forchronus'sake!" And thus was Expeditee made a demi-goddess in charge of maintaining a comprehensive chart of accounts of all mischief-making endeavors orchestrated by those frisky, frisky Greek gods n' goddesses. And to count their many, many lentils.

Processeclese was ne'er heard from again.


In Expeditee's absence from the mortal realm, entire crops of lentils and other leguminous vegitative crops were laid waste, as the essential balance of the universe was skewed when her tallying of said peas ceased. Mountains of beans rotted in the vituperous Ægean sun, filling the cerulean air with noissome plumes of mephitic vapors.

All Greece was in a dither, as their primary staple, their foremost source of the precious methane gas by which their entire civilization was powered, was at risk in this foul plant-y plague. As in the great potato famine of later centuries, their flatulent staple was contaminated, and entire counties fell prey to the bean-drought.

At last, Expeditee's lover Testiclese, who had been a-wasting away for his accountant squeeze (her pheromones' absence contributing far more to his incipient demise than the lack of fiber in his diet), set out on an heroic quest for his lost babe.

O'er hill and dale the doughty Testiclese did wander, searching vainly for she who had been promoted past her area of competence, to that divine Peter Principle in the sky. Expeditee, snatching glances of misery past her hill o' beans down to where her mortal lover toiled, shed many a silent tear upon her immortal labors.

At last, the waters of her sacred lacryminations so moistened the fruits of her endeavors that they flowered, lo and sprouted! The æternal stream of tears was of such volume and sincerity that the sacred lentils did swiftly metamorphose into a salad of such vigor and expanse that all of Mount St. Helens (or whatever windowless hell they'd assigned her as an office) turned as bosky as a Chia pet!

The godz, never much for health food, were aghast at what she had wrought! They quailed, they quivered, they cowered in the divine boudoirs.

Expeditee, no fool despite her homely visage and lack of formal education, seized the opportunity to expound at great length upon the virtues of a macrobiotic diet, and harrangued the deities endlessly on such diverse topics as veganism and calorie counting. The gods were further abashed, and began to stockpile the Doritos of heaven against the sudden onslought of veggie burgers which they saw as inevitable.

In their absence, the clever bean-countress availed herself of their inattention, and contacted her failing lover by means of a sacred chamberpot which, laid close to her hand to prevent excessive vacations from her divine endeavors, she was able to fill with heavenly sprouts and fling to the ground at Testiclese's feet. Despite their noissome nature, the enfeebled hero correctly interpreted this divine message, and promptly invented the Birkenstock, which he was able to devise using his inspired fashion sense and unerring perception of heavenly trends.

Having cornered the market on footwear which was both politically correct and acceptable accompaniment to togas, Testiclese was able to garner a fortune the likes of which the gods had never seen. As a monopoly, and in conniveration with his honey, who had a like coner on the health-manna market, Testiclese was able to bankrupt the gods and eventually buy his lover's freedom from eternal toil. Bargaining shrewdly, he was even able to swing a discount demi-godhead for himself.

The love of Expeditee and Testiclese was eventually, tragically, cut far short of its expected infinity when, in a shrewish contest the gist of which was the determination of which of them had more divinity, the two lovers so irritated the gods that, in an inspired-yet-mythic ploy to rid themselves of the granola quintillionaires, the true gods turned them both into sea-cucumbers and set them loose in the sea off the coast of China.