February 26th, 2004

I Will Not Defame New Orleans.

(no subject)

Today's entry brought to you by the good folks at Babel Fish, translating English to German and back to English.

My Karneval is better late than never. I expired yesterday to evening with the friend, after I had gejammert at home, "I, receive never, people somehow TO SEEING more. I feel, therefore PUNISHED!" Antibiotics still circulate by my veins. Therefore I could only drink juice. Suddenly around midnight overcame overwhelming weariness me. Estimate, that are my body, which still another Saying fights to bad infection, "you had enough, small man. You go home now."
I Will Not Defame New Orleans.

66 Pieces Of Advice For Moving To New York

…as conceived and compiled (on bar-naps, of course) by myself and changingthesky whilst sipping and crunching at The Bulldog, for our friend Lucy who soon sallies to Brooklyn for a new life.
  1. (Marquis)—If a (very) strange man speaks to you on the subway, neither run away, nor date him.
  2. (Hespeth)—Don't eat sidewalk poo. No matter what "they" say, don't.
  3. (M)—If you feel uncomfortable walking in a skeezy neighborhood, mutter crazy shit to yourself. The insane don't have cash, and the peasant thieves know it.
  4. (H)—Buses are for the general public. Contract a personal driver — it will cost the same monthly as taking cabs all the time and it is much more stylish.
  5. (M)—Alphabet City can only spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E. This might be a good thing.
  6. (H)—Find the closest Mac counter (and camp out).
  7. (H)—As in New Orleans, life begins after midnight. Keep the fires burning after the witching hour, darlin'. Greet the Dawn!
  8. (M)—Use all your will and might to resist acquiring one of those loathesome New York attitudes. Please! For the love of GOD!!!!!!
  9. (H)—Also, don't order hummous from a Chinese take-out place.
  10. (M)—Go to the Bellvue Bar on 9th @ 40th and think "Hideout."
  11. (H)—Boys are fun. Send some more to New Orleans please.
  12. (M)—Gay or straight, we need more boys! (See #11)
  13. (H)—Western girls and eastern boys. (Pretty please?)
  14. (M)—Oh yah. And the Celtic Lounge on Rivington and something by Toys in Babeland. Go there a lot.
  15. (M)—JFK sucks donkey balls. Use Laguardia.
  16. (H)—Tell me what the NYC Beauty Bar is like.
  17. (M)—Unless you're on your way to Philly or Washington, there's just no excuse for being in Jersey.
  18. (H)—Fur is murder. Unless you are in New York in the winter. Then it's fabulous and warm.
  19. (M)—Murder CAN be justified. (#18, for example)
  20. (H)—Boys are fun. (See #13)
  21. (M)—Keep these nasty, wadded-up napkins in your purse at all times and study them on the subway. Go, "HMMMM!!!" very loudly and very frequently.
  22. (H)—Wow. I wish I had written #21. Oh well. Anyway, go to the restaurant '21'. Have dinner and drinks while looking extra spectacular. Then call me and tell me about it. M'kay? Thanks.
  23. (M)—Remember: the North may have won the war, but your battles are your own. (Make sure you're wearing proper boots.)
  24. (H)—No matter how warmly you dress, your nipples will always be hard in winter. Use this to your advantage whenever possible. (See #13)
  25. (H)—Yah. See #13.
  26. (M)—Disconap. But you know this already.
  27. (H)—Three hours or less is a powernap though.
  28. (M)—Yuengling — ask for it by name!
  29. (H)—Firefighters. I know it has been a few years, but they still need your love. (They're 'heroes' in NY. My savior!)
  30. (M)—Accepting drinks from a stranger at a bar isn't indulgent; it's a moral imperative!
  31. (H)—But, check your morals at the door, baby! (See #13)
  32. (H)—Summertime, and the livin is easy. (Oh wait, that's when you come visit us, dammit!)
  33. (M)—Find that portal into John Malkovich's brain and give us a call.
  34. (H)—Fuck that! Bring us John Malkovich!
  35. (M)—Hespeth is clearly getting drunk. We suggest you follow suit.
  36. (H)—And don't forget: drunk-calling your friends is just another way to say 'I love you'.
  37. (M)—I disagree. Never drink n' dial.
  38. (H)—I disagree. Never drink n' dial if you are angry or maudlin. It's okay if you're giddy and giggly.
  39. (M)—The homeless and cripples are there for your amusement. Use them.
  40. (H)—Just don't date any of them, even if they "say" they are artists.
  41. (M)—In NY, "artist" = "po' chump." (Well, everywhere for that matter, but 'specially in NY)
  42. (H)—Remember: you have lived — really lived — in New Orleans. Be sure to represent, yo.
  43. (M)—If you bump into Parker Posey, give her my number. Or get a tissue sample so I can clone her.
  44. (H)—Meee tooooo. Also, James Spader. And really — Paris is just a hop, skip and a jump across the ocean to Johnny Depp. Failing that, see #13.
  45. (M)—It costs $20 to step outside your door. Get your money's worth. (See #13)
  46. (H)—Clearly #13 is important. Do your civic duty. (See #13)
  47. (H)—Do me right. Do me wrong. Just do me. (See #13)
  48. (M)—Oh my god! They're playing Dead or Alive! I love this song!
  49. (H)—You spin me right round baby! OMG! 2 kewl 4 skewl!
  50. (M)—Wait. Aren't we supposed to be helping Lucy?
  51. (H)—Oh. Yeah. Okay. Uhm, where were we? #13?
  52. (M)—If Parker Posey introduces you to that Dead Or Alive guy at a party at John Malkovich's, see #13.
  53. (H)—And by the way—you have a boyfriend so no "jumping shark" or "calling shotgun" with any guys that are #13-worthy. (I have no idea what the above means.)
  54. (M)—When you've run out of ideas, spew forth blather and let the inebriated perceive wisdom where they may find it.
  55. (M)—Drink a lot and re-read #54.
  56. (H)—OMG! They're playing Queen! Go to Queens. Find and hang out with queens and take pictures. I love queens!
  57. (M)—I just said, "I'm ready for a beer, even though I'm hopped-up on antibiotics." You may use this as your mantra as well.
  58. (H)—I'm counting on you to put the 'facism' back in 'fashion'.
  59. (M)—Because you've already put the 'Duh!' in 'delicious'.
  60. (H)—Lipstick. It's what you put on before and after dinner. And what you leave "around the collar." (If you know what I mean.) (And I think you do.)
  61. (M)—Remember: whores are just people who get paid for doing what they were going to do anyway. (And did I mention NY is expensive?)
  62. (H)—Jailbait. Not you. Others. (See #13)
  63. (M)—Spitcurls will get you everywhere!
  64. (H)—Beware the Jericurl. It's so 1970s. And not in the good way.
  65. (M)—In short, in NY, hair = powah!
  66. (M)—If we had a dollar for every piece of advice we've given you — well, we'd have $66! Which would almost cover Hespeth's bar tab today!