December 26th, 2002

I Will Not Defame New Orleans.

Xmas In Cali

I really meant to write something profound and charicteristically cynical from the Left Coast, but I haven't had 20 minutes to myself when a computer has been available.

So here I am, a mere couple of hours afore I squeeze these long legs onto another airplane to go home, finally able to jot some notes about what it's like to have a real white christmas — in the sense that everyone here is white…

Slideshow of Southern California:
  • All cars are shiney and new. And usually unnecessarily large.
  • Women who drive Mercedes convertibles invariably have shellacqued helmet-hair.
  • People bitch bitterly when the temperature drops below 60°f.
  • If you close your eyes and point blindly in a direction, there is an 82% chance you will end up pointing at a strip mall.
  • Fun Fact as told to me by me pater: 1 in 11 people in the U.S. live in So. Cal.
  • Fun Fact that I am guessing at, but it's a sound guess: 8 out of 10 of those people are currently in their cars driving somewhere, at any given moment.
  • Ceilings are very low. Doorways, too.
  • Beige, though not on the color spectrum, is the most prevalent, and one might say ubiquitous, shade.
  • I get a weird, dizzying, vertiginous feeling when I stand in a suburban cul-de-sac and look around at all the identical houses, creating patterns and patterns and impossible angles, like a nightmarish Escher drawing.
  • Shopping seems to be the thing to do here.
  • People in leather jackets and platform shoes (hi, that's me) seem to scare small children.
  • I drove to San Diego one evening and at one point, there were 16 lanes on the highway, and there was still brake-hitting traffic.
  • Many of the locals seem to have no concept of a world outside So. Cal.
  • Everyone just looooves being here. To an annoying degree.
  • Television seems very popular. Lots of discussions about recent programs.
  • I haven't seen any people who are a)black, b)gay, c)punkrock, d)fat, e)imperfectly coiffed or costumed.
  • For the most part, people here aren't very clever.
  • If I didn't love my mommy and daddy so much, I would happily never step foot on this coast again.
  • Damn my respect for the parents!
Something more coherent once I'm home and breathing properly again. Teeter on the edge of your seats, goslings.