November 11th, 2002

I Will Not Defame New Orleans.

The News

I don't watch it. I don't read it. I will go blocks out of my way to avoid it, like some stinking, truculent homeless derelict whom I know to be lurking in that alcove right — there!

This is nothing to be proud of. Ignorance may be bliss, but it's also ignorance, and I have a hard time justifying keeping myself ignorant. I confess my constitution has not the heartiness to withstand much CNN/ABC/NBC/NYT/Etc. I hope you won't think me too cynical or close-minded (but if you must, do keep it to yourself) if I say that all that propaganda and soap-opr'y does nothing for my complexion.

Last night at work, during a slow, quiet period, I put on CNN. "Let's see what's going on in the world," I said, already wincing as I flipped the channels around looking for something newsy.

"I hope you know what you're doing," someone at the bar said skeptically.

Sniper this, sniper that. Iraq this, Iraq that. Sensationalist distraction this, sensationalist distraction that. All the news that was fit to print seemed to scream, "Hey! Look over here! No, over here! No, we're not dealing with over there, look over here!"

It's not that I'm some subversive counterculturist who only wants to hear about the conspiracies and corruption and such. I'm no Lone Gunman. That side bores me as much as the Corporate News does.

I take umbrage at any organization that won't show All Sides of an Issue. I want to hear about the stupid D.C. sniper and how America has inexplicably allowed a warmongering tit to steal an election and keep his post, despite the common knowledge that the whole thing was a scam. I want to hear about how horrible people in Iraq are and why they hate us so much. Give me details of the offenses we have perpetrated so that I might understand why these other goons insist on playing such fuckwaddery games.

And, please, can we stop bandying about the word "terrorist" please? It is an alienating word that strips the logic from an opponent's motives. I'm not pro-Iraq, or anti-American. All large groups of human beings are, at the core, rotten and corrupt and self-serving. (I'm not prejudiced; I hate everyone equally.) But calling an opponent "evil" turns them into some two-dimensional Disney villain, and puts one at a disadvantage of strategy because how can anyone anticipate the actions of an "evil" empire? Empires Gone Wild!

Iraq is whacked. America is whacked. We're the bigger bullies so I guess we'll be the ones kicking ass. But do we have to destroy half the world to do so? Isn't that a bit like throwing the baby out with the oil barrel?

My little adventure with CNN lasted about 10 minutes last night.

"I'm turning this drivel off," I said, disgusted, flipping to channel 24 (the only channel number I know), where Jan Brady awaited me with open arms and a pouty, freckly-fuck-up face.

Amendment: I'm really grappling with the ignorance issue. I don't like to be Uninformed. Just ask my parents. I was incorrigible (and still am) to instruction unless I have been convinced of the "why's" behind an imperative.

Since I am loathe to keep myself in the dark, I will make you a deal. I'll watch ten minutes of CNN a day if someone will kindly tell Noam Chomsky to come over and have a glass of wine with me.

I will read a newspaper if it is written by someone not of the present ruling party. (Democrats writing about democrats is just as evil as republicans writing about republicans. Okay, maybe not just as evil, but you catch my drift.)

Shout out to my pasty Brit friends: Are Tony Blair's lips still firmly affixed around Bush II's brittle peanut of a cock? Can someone tell him to stop that please? Doesn't Tony know that George hates fags? This could get ugly. (Picturing T.B. going down on G.W.B. Ugly is certainly the mot juste.)