November 9th, 2002

I Will Not Defame New Orleans.

Movie Stahhhhh

Last night at work, on a run to the kitchen, my boss said, "We have a movie star in the house."

"Yah? Who?" I asked, too slammed at the moment to be impressed.

"The guy with the do-rag on his head by the window."

"Who is it?"

"I … I forget. You've seen him before. He's in everything. He's like Jay, or Ray or Steve or something."

"Uh-huh," I said and went back to the bar. I asked coworker Alex, "Do you know who that is?"

"Yah," she said, "but I can't remember just now. He's been in lots of comedy things. Standup stuff too."


For the next hour or so, I kept walking over to the windows to get a better look (I'm nearsighted).

To Alex: "Wait, wasn't he in Dogma? He played the bad angel with Matt Damon? Ben … Ben somebody?"

"No, that's not him. But I think he might have been in Dogma too. His name's like Dan or Jim or something."

"It's not that fucking what's-his-name with Silent Bob is it? I hate that guy."

"No, uh-uh, someone else."

"Good, 'cos I'd have to kick him out," I said. "And you're sure it's not Ben Whoever, right?"

"No. Hey, maybe he'll pay for all his fluffy L.A. friends' drinks with his credit card and then we'll know."

(He didn't. He made his fluffy L.A. girlee-goos come up and pay for him. Class!)

I polled about eight people for the next hour. "Who is that guy?"

"Oh, yah, him. Um, I've seen him in lots of things. Fuck, what's his name."

It started getting ridiculous.

"Isn't that Marilyn Monroe?"

"Nnnnnno, I don't think so… Wait, mayyybeeee…"

I was about this close [suitable hand gesture] to going up to him and asking, "Hey, aren't you that one guy who was in all those movies that no one can remember?" But every time I started to go, I got a bad case of the giggles because, c'mon, is there anything you could say to a bona fide movie stahhh that would be more insulting?

(Yah, I know, I shoulda done it.)