October 23rd, 2002

I Will Not Defame New Orleans.

One Leaf Luthah

If I were ever going to violently do away with someone with my own hands or some rusty gardening implement, it would be One Leaf Luthah.

And it would be on a Wednesday afternoon, much like this one. In fact, precisely like this one!

In fact — where's my gardening claw? I'll be right back…

One Leaf Luthah is the "gardener" employed by the people who live kitty-catty-corner from my towering château. One Leaf Luthah has a cornucopia of petrol-driven devices in his arsenal. And I, and many others, want those devices of his arsenal up his arse, switched on.

One Leaf Luthah's favorite toy is his Evil Leafblower.

One Leaf Luthah cranks that baby up and from around 2pm until about, oh, say, dark, he blows the one errant leaf of the neighbor's around and around. One Leaf Luthah's Evil Leafblower is the cheap-ass model with no sound management and its volume is like a wood chipper crossed with a Sesna airplane.

2pm until dark. Good news is the days will be shorter in a minute. (I'm going to assume he's not going to get his lazy ass out here earlier once that happens. I'm praying, at least.)

Bad news is, autumn is beginning. The neighbors have a very large, very old tree on the corner. The leaves are changing. There are as many as four leaves on the ground now.

Oh lord. Four leaves. One Leaf Luthah is going to be so confused by this. He may never turn that bloody awful thing off.

I've talked to him before. So have my roommates. One Leaf Luthah responds, "Hey man, I gots ta make dat money! Get out m'face, bitch!"

"Try a broom!"


I've shut the windows, although it's a lovely, lovely day and I wish they could be open. I am blasting T. Rex. And still over it all, there's One Leaf Luthah, louder than anything. He is currently, as I glance out the window, pointing his Evil Leafblower at the trunk of a 300 year old oak tree! One Leaf Luthah, I don't think it's going to blow away. But how I wish you would.

When someone wants to hire you, even if it’s for a job you have little interest in, talk to them. Never close the door on an opportunity
until you’ve had a chance to hear the offer in person unless the job includes the use of a leafblower, in which case, steer clear because your karma and soul will be damned to hell if you touch one of those fucking things. Either that, or I will kill you myself!
  • Current Music
    T. Rex. REALLY LOUD T. REX!!!